When You Realize You are Not Free

So why did I start blogging? Why now?

So here's what's happening in my life right now. I had this amazing opportunity to travel to the UK to live and work for 6 months in another part of my company! This is a great and positive thing that most people don't get the chance to do, and especially not with a guaranteed job back in NY when you complete the assignment! This is so incredible and abnormal and "OK, Mindy stop bragging."

What is there to complain about? I'm supposed to leave at the end of the month, but a few weeks ago, I was told that I may not be able to because they may not be able to accommodate my allergies. You see, they make some nut products at this facility, and my allergies are so severe that airborne particles can become an issue.

"Well, that sucks. But still, it's #firstworldproblems. You still havle a job and an awesome middle-class life in NYC close to your family and friends. You get to keep doing all the awesome things you're doing in New York, and you can just go find a new apartment. And, even better, you're roommate isn't even moving out right away so you have time to sort stuff out."

What I have realized is it's about more than just the trip. If it was, it literally would be #firstworldproblems and I should shut my privileged millennial mouth. I'm not joking or trying to be ironic...I really feel that way. I in no way am entitled to the blessing that this opportunity is. But the bigger issue that brings me to experience deep and real pain is that if I miss out on this opportunity, it enforces the narrative that because of my disability, I cannot go anywhere or do anything. Even when presented with an amazing opportunity that I earned in my workplace, I cannot go because

I am limited. I am helpless. I am less than normal. I am not welcome. I am small. 

I am too much trouble. I am not free. 

It is hard to blame anyone for why or how this happened. And I do not in any way want to blame anyone for this. I may be mad that this had to happen so late in the process since I and my management have been clear about my allergies since the beginning of the application process for this role. But the team is doing everything they can to try and accommodate and figure out how to mitigate the risk of me coming into contact with nuts or the people who are handling them. I am so so so incredibly grateful for people like them who are spending time and energy trying to find a way to make this work so I can come. But it does not make up for the pain of hearing the half-truth-half-lie that I am not normal and that I am too much trouble.

I am not free to do anything or be anything I want to be or follow my dreams or get out of my comfort zone because I might risk putting myself in a life-or-death situation that I will regret because I should've known better. 

I started this blog because I want to speak out against the smallness that those statements make me feel - the fear, the anxiety, the hopelessness that reside in those words. Because as true as they may be to the world's standards, God does not leave the leper sitting on the corner of the street. And whether or not I end up being able to go, I believe that there is purpose and much-needed results of this happening. If I must be the pioneer in my company or my industry in bringing about the conversation of how to accommodate someone with severe allergies, then all the more reason to keep the conversation going. If I must be a voice to say that food allergies are disabilities that must be considered in schools and in workplaces and on planes, then I will try to speak louder and fight harder. If I must be the one to say to moms and dads out there that their child can survive and thrive into adulthood, I hope they are listening.

It is not easy or simple, and I am still struggling with so many fears and pains, but I cannot and will not believe that we are intended to live in a bubble or a cage pretending we are fine because we're functioning most of the time. I often find myself saying that I shouldn't complain because severe food allergies are not comparable to so many other physical ailments I could have - chronic pain, cancer, mental illness, paralysis, etc. And that makes it is easy to feel like I should not or cannot speak up because I relatively functional on the regular day-to-day. I am so incredibly thankful that I am well in most ways, but I am finally seeing how discounting our pain or who we are because others have it worse is futile because someone always has it worse. And the emotions and pains and struggles we face are all the same at the end of the day. Even if you are in perfect health, the core fears and identity issues are transferable because they are part of how we are human.

I have in no way figured it out or escaped fear or championed these circumstances yet, but I hope that as I process, you will hear and find something you can relate to. Or that if you are reading this as someone who has not had contact with someone with nut allergies before, that you will begin to grow in awareness and sympathy for those of us who don't get much attention in our culture or the media because nut allergies are not cool or trendy or easy to fix. There is so much more I want to say, but I will save it for the next post. Comment below if you can relate or if you have certain topics or advice you want me to cover in the future!